


Babysitting

by MrsDavidSpade



Category: Real Person Fiction, Saturday Night Live
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 07:02:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1103867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsDavidSpade/pseuds/MrsDavidSpade
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when David Spade and Chris Farley baby-sit a baby {SLIGHT SPARLEY}</p>
            </blockquote>





	Babysitting

**Author's Note:**

> SLIGHT SPARLEY!!

The day had started like any other: the boys were sleeping in a questionable motel; David was awake while Chris was still dead to the world, and they were hunting a coven of witches. David got out of bed and stretched his legs, running a hand through his shaggy hair.  
"Chris." Chris grumbled and rolled over, turning his head away from the window. "Chris, I'm going to get us some breakfast ok?" Chris mumbled something unintelligible, but that was enough of a response. David slipped into the jeans he had worn for the fifth day in a row and made a mental note that a laundry trip was necessary. David opened the motel door and stopped in his tracks.  
"Chris, Chris!" his best friend finally sat up and rubbed his temple.  
"What?" he practically growled.  
"You're going to want to come and see this." That piqued his interest, so Chris rolled his ass out of bed and walked over to the door.  
"What am I supposed to be looking at?" asked Chris irritably, squinting out into the parking lot. He heard a squeal and a giggle. Chris slowly looked down. A pair of wide, innocent, brown eyes met his blue ones with another giggle.  
"That."  
~*~*  
Both Chris and David were at a loss for words; they had had a lot of weird things happen to them over the years, but this took the cake.  
"Dammit, only we could manage to wake up one morning and find a freaking baby on our doorstep!" David bit back a smile at Chris' annoyance. The baby was pretty cute, he had to admit; he had sandy brown hair, chubby cheeks and very wide eyes that seemed to light up whenever he looked at either of the men.  
"So what do we do?" Chris sighed, walking over to the baby who instantly raised its arms with another squeal. Chris picked him up and the baby waved its arms, smiling.  
"We find out where this little guy came from."  
Nobody at the police station had heard anything about someone missing a baby. And nobody they spoke to had ever seen him before. David bit back a laugh every time a girl would come up to Chris to coo over the baby and say what a wonderful daddy he was. David found it especially funny that Chris didn't bother setting them right; apparently babies were chick magnets.  
David didn't find it quite as funny when they took the baby to get breakfast. He was bouncing up and down in his high chair and flapping his arms. Neither boy had really been sure what to get for him, since they had no idea how old he was, (David suspected less than a year old) so they settled on mashed potatoes and applesauce. When the baby dribbled applesauce down his chin, David leaned over to wipe it up. A chubby woman walking by their table stopped and gushed,  
"He's so precious! What's his name?"  
"Adam," said David , saying the first name that popped into his head. Adam gave another shriek.  
"Shush," said Chris leaning over and wiping Adam's chin once again. The woman's eyes traveled between David and Chris before her face broke into another wide smile.  
"How precious! What made you decide to have a child?" David sent Chris a malicious grin. Payback for this morning.  
"Chris' always wanted a kid; you should see him, he's always picking out these little outfits for him to wear and he likes playing peek-a-boo with him." The woman gave a loud 'awwwwwww!' while Chris looked mutinous. The woman toddled off, after commenting again how precious they looked as a family.  
"I hate you."  
"I could always pat your ass and call you Honey, if that would make you feel better." David shot back, grinning. Chris was about to retort when he noticed the look on little Adam's face.  
"Umm David? We have a situation." David looked at Adam and within seconds, Adam had begun to cry…very loudly. David shot Chris a panicked look.  
"What do you think is wrong?" That's when the smell reached their nostrils.  
"Crap." Literally.  
~*~*  
Thank God for nice mothers who have extra diapers! Was all David could think as he pushed their cart down the diaper aisle of the drugstore. Chris and David had both been at a loss of what to do, standing at the changing table looking baffled as Adam had continued to wail. Thankfully, a kind looking woman had chosen that moment to walk in with a baby of her own. She had basically instructed them step-by step on how to change diapers; whether because she felt bad for them or because she needed the changing table, David didn't know, but he didn't care. They were prepared for next time.  
After buying some clothes and a LOT of diapers, it occurred to David that they had completely forgotten about the hunt.  
"Crap." Said Chris again, when David reminded him. "What do we do about the kid?  
"We could get real Adam to watch him? We aren't too far from his place." Chris shrugged, although the image of Adam Sandler cooing over a baby made him smile. While David dialed big Adam's number, Chris sat down on the bed, holding little Adam on his lap. Chris offered his finger to the baby who clutched it in his tiny fist, laughing. Adam waved his fist up and down for a few seconds before yawning and rubbing his eyes with his free hand.  
"You tired, Bud?" Chris gently turned Adam around so he could rest his head on Chris' shoulder. The baby yawned once before laying his head down. He was asleep in a matter of seconds.  
David hung up the phone, confused; Adam hadn't answered his home phone or his cell. He turned around to tell Chris, only to be greeted with the sight of his best friend, cradling a sleeping baby in his arms.  
"What's up?" asked Chris, quieter than he normally would.  
"Adam's not answering either of his phones."  
"Probably on a hunt," said Chris, "so what now? We obviously can't take him with us."  
"I guess someone will have to stay with him." David was struck with an idea, "how about I watch the kid, do a bit of research and you go interrogate the family of the last victim?" Chris didn't answer, but looked down at little Adam, still sound asleep. David rolled his eyes.  
"Fine, you stay and research and I'll go investigate." Chris just smiled.  
~*~*  
"Why do you ask? The company already sent someone over."  
"Oh, that was my partner. We've got a new theory and we need a few more details." The man eyed David suspiciously, but said nothing. David took that as an invitation to continue.  
"I came home and my daughter was lying on the ground, dead. She looked like she'd literally frozen to death, but how is that possible?" the man held back his tears.  
"That's what we're trying to figure out, sir. Tell me, did your daughter have any enemies? Or fight with any girls her age?"  
"Rosie was a popular girl; she hung out with this one group of girls who seemed to have it all: good looks, lots of money, everything they wanted. But she did get into some sort of argument with them, wouldn't tell me what it was about." He shook his head sadly. David's expression softened, he really did feel sorry for the poor man.  
"Could you tell me their names?"  
"There were three of them, Sara Wilkins, Becky Thomas, and Kelly Jay. But Sara and Kelly were both found dead a few days ago, and nobody knows where Becky is." David nodded.  
"Thank you sir, that's exactly what I needed to know."  
~*~*  
"Up we go!" Chris held little Adam over his head and ran around the room making airplane noises. Adam clapped his hands and shrieked with delight. Chris laughed, spinning around and throwing him up in the air just a little before catching him again.  
"Chris, I've got news," David stopped in the doorway. "What are you doing?" Chris froze.  
"Playing airplane?" he offered sheepishly. David burst out laughing.  
"He likes it…" Chris grumbled as David continued to howl. "Oh, shut up!"  
Stifling his laughter, David sat down. Chris also sat down, still holding little Adam in his arms. Adam grasped Chris' finger and waved his arm contentedly.  
"The guy's daughter had a falling out with a group of three girls shortly before she died. Two of them were found dead just a few days ago, but the third, Becky Thomas, is still missing."  
"Does it say how the other girls were killed?" asked Chris, not bothering to stop Adam from sucking on his finger.  
"They were both shot. But the guy said that a man had come to talk to him already; said he was a guy in his mid- twentys, dark hair with brown eyes." That got Chris' attention.  
"Real Adam?" David nodded,  
"That's what it sounded like to me." Chris got up,  
"Well shit David, we've got to find him! Make sure that witch hasn't got him." David stood up too,  
"We have no idea where the witch is, and even if we did, we can't take a baby on a hunt!" The best friends stood in silence for a moment trying to figure out what to do.  
David got an idea,  
"Chris, what if we drove to Adam's place first? He could be there for all we know, but if he's not, maybe he has some sort of lead on the witch's whereabouts." Chris grumbled a little, but that was as good a plan as any.  
"Fine, let's go."

The car ride had been pretty pleasant so far, David was holding little Adam while Chris drove. David had to admit, he now fully understood why Chris had gotten so attached to the little guy. They both had found it pretty funny at the beginning; Adam had been getting squirmy, so Chris put on an AC/DC cassette. Adam had been sitting stock still ever since, clapping his pudgy hands every now and then and laughing.  
Neither one saw it coming: one minute, Adam was perfectly content, but within seconds he had started to wail. As calmly as he could, Chris pulled the Impala over to the side of the road.  
"Hey, hey, what's wrong bud?" asked David gently, bouncing Adam a little. Adam continued to scream like he hadn't heard a word David said. David got out of the car, thinking it might be a diaper emergency. Chris followed suit. They needn't have worried; the minute Adam was outside, he stopped crying and put his fist in his mouth. David was positively bewildered.  
"Uh Chris? Was that normal?" Chris shook his head, looking just as confused. Something caught his eye.  
"Shit"  
Adam's brown eyes lit up when he saw the big truck, half hidden by the trees.  
"Chris, tell me that's not…"  
"Adam's? Yeah David, it is." Wordlessly, the boys raced back to the car and began unloading weapons from the false bottom. Adam, laughing happily, reached over and tried to pick up one of the giant knives. David didn't think he'd ever seen Chris move so fast.  
"No! Bad Adam, you don't touch knives! Do you understand me?" Little Adam put a pudgy hand on Chris' cheek and smiled complacently. Chris' stern expression faltered, a smile twitching the corners of his lips. He tucked his knife securely away, out of Adam's reach, before slamming the trunk of the car shut and heading towards the woods, Adam still clinging to his shoulder.  
~*~*  
This was not a laughing matter, David knew, but he couldn't help but smile at how odd this had to look; two full grown men, walking through the forest, carrying an array of guns and knives and on of them bouncing a baby on his hip, speaking softly and pointing out things like birds. Chris stopped dead and David's smile vanished. They had reached a clearing, the home of a rotting wooden cabin. Although the scene looked fairly innocent, the menace hung in the air. David pulled his own knife from his belt and gestured to Chris to follow him. David led them to a patch of long grass behind the cabin where they crouched down, almost completely hidden from view.  
"What now?"  
"One of us has to stay out here I guess." David looked resolutely at the cabin.  
"Oh hell no, Davy, there's no way you're going in there by yourself."  
"Ok, I'll take Adam and you go in." Chris bit his lip, at this point; he didn't know which he preferred.  
"Fine," he sighed, after a minute or two of thinking. "I'll go in. You and Adam stay right here." Blue eyes met. David could have said that if he heard Chris scream even once, he was coming in after him. He could have said that Chris was acting like an overprotective father and that David could more then fend for himself. But he knew that arguing with him wouldn't do an ounce of good. So all he did was nod.  
Chris had been gone for about ten minutes now, and all was still quiet. Adam reached up and grabbed a fistful of David's dirty blonde hair.  
"Ow, no pulling." He winced, detangling the tiny fingers. Adam smiled and made a noise of contentment.  
"You wanna know something? I'm glad we found you on our doorstep. You probably don't realize it, but you've helped Chris so much. I haven't seen him so happy in a long time." David gave a sad smile as he remembered the almost blissful look on his best friend's face when he was playing airplane. He had looked about ten years younger, the weariness and guilt gone from his face. David sighed, Chris' drug use had weighed heavy on his conscience and for a while, David had been afraid that it would consume him. For all Chris' macho façade, when Chris felt guilty, it hit him hard.  
"I know I'm hard on him sometimes. I don't even realize it, half the time. But there's something you gotta understand." David lifted the baby and looked him square in the eye. "I don't hate this life for what it did to me. Well, that's part of it, I guess," He amended before continuing, "I hate this life for what it's done to him. I don't think he even remembers his life before he did drugs. He tries to stop as best he can I know that, but it just kills me how he doesn't expect anybody to protect him. Never in my life has he put himself first. Everything has either been for me or for someone else. All those years, neither of us asked what he wanted for himself." David stopped, the reality settling in.  
Real smart. He chided himself, unload all your problems on to a freaking baby. Just as he had with Chris, Adam touched David's face, giving a small sigh before leaning forward and resting his little head on David's broad shoulder. David smiled again and gently stroked Adam's hair. Not for the first time, David wished he still had that sort of pure innocent trust. But it wasn't too bad; there was still one person David still trusted with all his weary heart. A scream of agony echoed through the trees.  
"CHRIS!"  
~*~*  
"I swear to God, you come near me with that thing one more time and I'm going to-" He was cut off when Becky Thomas backhanded him in the face.  
"Shut your mouth," she hissed, tossing her long blond hair. "All my friends and I were doing was making our lives better. We just pulled a few strings. Do we deserve to die for that?"  
"You and your little friends murdered someone. Not exactly what I'd call 'making your life better by pulling some strings.'" Chris retorted. Becky gave a cruel smile.  
"Well," she said, smiling, "the opinion of a dead man doesn't matter much does it?" With that, she jabbed the red hot poker into his shoulder again.  
Chris clenched his teeth, trying to stop himself from crying out again. In the distance, he heard the faint sound of a baby crying. The colour drained from his face as he watched Becky break into an evil grin.  
"Well, we can't have this can we?" She started towards the door.  
"You hurt them, and I'll kill you, I swear." Becky's smile became crueler, if possible.  
"As I said before, your opinion doesn't matter much, does it?" She turned her back and strode away; leaving Chris still bound to the chair.  
Chris thrashed in his chair, desperately trying to free himself. He was positively furious with himself. He had been walking as carefully as he possibly could, but the witch had been one step ahead. She had been hiding behind the stairs and the minute she saw his foot on the stair, she had tazed him; which in turn had lead to him falling down the stairs and banging his head, knocking him out for a short amount of time.  
How could I have been so stupid?! He raged at himself. With one final burst of energy, he managed to tip the chair over, gasping in pain as he landed on his injured shoulder. He heard a small coo from the door.  
Adam crawled over to him, an expression of concern etched on his chubby face. David stood a little ways away.  
"Chris? You ok?" he asked urgently, bending down to untie his best friend.  
"Peachy," Chris rasped, "The witch see you?" David shook his head. Adam made a frustrated sound. Chris forced himself to sit up and watched as Adam crawled on to his lap, looking determined. Chris smiled, but it was short-lived. He gasped as blood began to seep through his shirt. Becky stood in the doorway, her expression livid. Adam began to cry, waving his arms frantically.  
Becky could have laughed out loud at the sight before her. But just as she was about to make Chris' pain just that much worse, she felt something plunge into her back. Becky Thomas fell to the ground, leaving David standing behind her, holding a bloody knife. Chris had no idea how David had managed to get behind her without being noticed, but he didn't really care. All he really cared about was what had happened to the baby.  
It wasn't a very manly thing to do, but David couldn't really help it. He had seen some funny things today, but this by far had to be the funniest; a stunned Chris with a fully grown, equally stunned Adam sitting on his lap. Still wearing the t-shirt and pants that the guys had dressed him in, but thankfully fitting him. Nothing could quite beat the sight of tough, stern Adam Sandler wearing a Batman t shirt. Hand shaking, David took out his cell phone and snapped as many pictures as he could, appreciating the fact that both Adam and Chris were still too shocked to move. Chris came to his senses eventually, however.  
"Would you get off me??"  
~*~*  
"A time regression spell?" asked David, accepting the beer Adam had offered him.  
"Yup, you wouldn't have noticed its full effect, since you only saw me for one day, but I was actually getting younger as the day went on. I think I was nearing a year old when I finally found your hotel." David nodded, offering a silent thank you to the heavens. Chris took a sip of his own beer.  
"So uh, Adam," asked Chris uncomfortably, "how much do you remember?" Adam thought for a minute,  
"Gets hazier, the younger I got. I don't remember a whole lot, but I do remember how much of a pain it was trying to track you boys down." Chris nodded, taking another swig of beer.  
Once they were confident that Adam's curse was indeed broken, they went back to the cabin to recover anything that the witch had stolen. After recovering his cell and a few weapons, Adam thanked them once more and went on his way. After tidying up their hotel room, the guys went on their way too. The car ride was silent, apart from the blaring a Carpenters tape. After about half an hour, David looked over at Chris, his eyes still fixed resolutely on the road.  
"Chris?" his best friend grunted in acknowledgement, "Have you ever wanted to be a father?" Chris fixed David with a look. Pausing a moment, he said coolly,  
"Doesn't matter does it? This job isn't really ideal for raising kids, if you haven't noticed." He turned his attention back to the road. David pulled out his laptop and began uploading the pictures from his cell phone. One picture in particular caught his attention. The one he had taken when he had come home to find both Chris and Adam asleep. David smiled, setting it as his background. Moments like that just didn't come around often enough, so David was going to cherish this one.

THE END


End file.
